Difficult things to explain
The other day Indiana and I went to a cafe down the street to pick up some sandwiches for dinner. When we got in the car he said he thought he saw my brother in the store. This lead into a whole lot of questions about my Dad. “Why don’t we go to Pepe’s house anymore Mama?”
My Dad has….never been the best. My parents split when I was one and he has been in and out of my life ever since. If I messed up when I was teenager, he was out, but then a few months later he would feel guilty and come back. After I had Indiana he did some pretty hurtful things but I stuck it out. He was always canceling plans with us and spending all of his time with his friends and new family. I think some of you know that this past winter he had a stroke and was in the hospital. We went and visited him a lot. My Dad cried and said he knew he hadn’t been there for me and a lot of promises where made about things being different. Amelie didn’t even know who he was.
After the initial fear of dying was over, he want back to flaking on us and eventually just stopped calling. It’s been 6 months since I last spoke with him. To be honest it’s been a relief. I no longer have to walk on eggshells and pretend we have something that we don’t. I’ve never loved him like a father, but I was always so desperate for his love. My mom remarried when I was 6 and since I was 18 Matt and I have gotten very close with my stepdad. A few months ago we talked to my mom and stepfather and asked if they would be ok with us saying Pop (my stepdad) was my dad and the kids grandfather. We didn’t want them growing up with the same hurts and abandonment issues I have. Always wondering why they weren’t good enough for their grandfather to make the time to see them or even call. This was more then ok with my parents because Pop loves my kids and they see him pretty often so it all just made the most sense.
So. Indiana starts asking about my Dad. I tell him that Pop has really been more of a dad to me growing up. I always lived with him and Gigi (my mom). He asks me why we don’t talk to Pepe. I tell him Pepe was never really a good Dad and he is the one who won’t see us, but it’s ok because we have Pop. Indiana asks me why this is. I paused for a moment and then I was just honest, “I don’t know Indi, I have no idea and I don’t think I ever will.” I am just so surprised he remembered my Dad. He saw him a handful of times in his life, but I guess seeing him in the hospital really stuck out.
How do you explain to a child that you had a bad parent? How do you explain that you have a parent that doesn’t love you unconditionally? I was trying to avoid talking about this until he was older. Matt can’t even talk about it without getting upset. I think he gets more upset then me. I guess that’s how it is though when you watch someone you love get hurt constantly by another person. I just want to avoid them feeling the hurt that I’ve felt and am still trying to get over.
